ATTN:

I'm sitting in a room on a dirty mattress, with an off white sheet and one unshielded pillow.  There is one window that is shining in the cloudy midday.  I can not see outside, but the trees show it's a cold, windy day.  This is the feeling that I really can not put into words, just a scene.  I've been feeling this way for a while now, maybe a month or more.  I feel as though my anticipation for the future has put me in this static point in my life, yet I remember how I don't think there was a time when I didn't feel static in my life.  I have always wanted to do something else or be somewhere else.  I have always wanted to do more with my life and that I just thought I had to wait to get there.  I am constantly in a war with myself over how to live my life.  I have this side of me that wants to stay busy and social and just keep myself happy for the time being, yet I don't believe that will get me anywhere.  I know I need to stay focused and aware that if I don't save money and plan things in advance that I won't have an easy time later in life.  I'm disposable by habit, but goal oriented by nature.  It's like this environment I'm literally stuck in is causing my habits to constantly slip when I've built all these dreams that are so seemingly out of reach unless I honestly get the Fuck Out.  I want to be surrounded by passion! I want to see people constantly trying, and maybe even constantly failing, but trying again.  I want to hear people talk about how next month they plan to do this/that because it'll be adventurous!  I want to know that the next person I speak to won't be concerned about their next drunken endeavor, but rather what extravagant concoction they are purchasing from a craft brewery in hopes to learn their secrets. Or rather, not concerned about their next drunken endeavor, Or who they might go out with next.  I'm tired of listening to the 'woe is me' from those who have so much in front of them but do not grab ahold of it tightly and take it for a ride.  I see so many people who take advantage of their youth and positive position they are really working with.  Call me jealous, I know, but at least I know when to see an opportunity when it is in front of me.  It makes me sick that I see what I shouldn't really do when it comes any kind of relationship, yet some people can fuck up and down and still have another shot and that opportunity still there.  I feel that I can't mess up or if I do that I might, well, not have an opportunity to mess up again.  I think it's more the fact that it will take a lot longer to get back what I could lose.  I do have the psychological resilience to forge ahead and work through pain, but for once, I just want to be oh so 'woe is me' and have it matter to someone.  All I have to say is that I hope to 'god' that what I do will be worth it in the end.  I hope to 'god' that I haven't given up any chances that have been there. And I hope to 'god' that something won't stop me from dreaming and then achieving.  I hate wasted dreams and talents.  I hope I do one day find who will constantly push me to try something new all the time.  I want that passion never to die.  I don't want to become just another person in this country who humors the expendable lifestyle that so many people just fall miserably to.  And maybe I will have to go to another country for a while, all the more adventures that could be had!

Now

Now why is it so hard to breathe?

Why can I not find a sun that wants to stay bright?

I see this world every day, and every day I think that we're getting a little bit closer to decay when we need a recession of this recession.

There is this anxious feeling inside of me that knows I'm/we're onto something when I see people putting work behind efforts to improve the destruction.

It puts hope in my mind that there are still some out there that want a new world, or the old one back at least.

I still wonder though, if something is to improve, there needs to be motivation and passion involved.

When I hear "okay?" or "where are you going with this?", I begin to wonder how long it will take for a revision. 

I always feel that this disposable lifestyle American society has succumbed to is hideous and a new reality TV show should be written and entitled, "American Society at It's Best". 

It should show the extremities of how people live, and strongly show the repercussions. 

Is there really someone out there who wants to wonder with me?

Brainstorm ideas on how to do little things to change American lifestyles, maybe?

It seems that our culture is very sensitive to hearing how much we have FUCKED up and to infuse a strong change would be completely denied by the general public. I definitely feel that slow and subtle changes can improve the environment, health, and general well-being of the population. 

I wonder if it is realized that if we don't put effort into the long run of our nation that it will continually go down the shitter. Society will in itself become disposable and no one will take anything seriously, not that it is seemingly so these days.

______________

I've been feeling as though that wondering has caused me to think way too much.

I've been feeling as though that my thinking has made people wonder about me.

I can not find a conscious thought that wants to stay put and stick out this fight, but I keep thinking and some thoughts come back. 

Others, just run away like most people who wonder about me.

It's hard to keep one idea going.

I try to stay focused, but as I wonder, my mind wanders and I am left with no-thang.

I've been loaded with an overdose of passion and as I'm distracted, so is my passion.

Multi-tasking is so not my thing.

I haven't felt so disconnected

I haven't felt so disconnected with myself, the world, and people in general as I have this past week or so. I have felt so anxious lately. Mostly about college or what I will do next. I just want so badly to get on with things. I still feel this sense of waste going on in my life right now. I feel as though not only what I'm doing is a waste, but that I'm kind of being a waste. It's a sad state of affairs. I'm hoping that as the spring season comes, maybe I can find some motivation or inspiration to be more outgoing with my life or happy with it at least. 

This disconnected feeling though that I'm feeling, it's upsetting. I want to keep these connections I have with people and find new ones, but I feel that they are slipping away from me. Maybe it's that I'm slipping away from myself and not putting enough work into myself. I'll have to do some more focusing. I can't really pressure time to move forward, so I guess I'll stick to that whole 'dealing with it' for now. I have decided though, that I will try to move to Pittsburgh, PA if I do not get into college at the University of Binghamton. I really don't feel like I can waste my time here and be miserable living with my step-mom. I can't continue to put myself through it all. 

I think all the wishing/hoping I'm doing toward trying to make a change is just a useless way to keeping me disconnected, because I'm not embracing much anymore. I keep saying that I don't want any attachments here, so maybe I'm just doing it to myself.....

I'm just sitting and waiting for now.....

Album: Elliott Smith-From a basement on the Hill

I'm not really sure.

I'm not really sure why some people can submit themselves to torture from others. Then I realize that I have before and that it was probably the best thing i've ever done to myself. Also, that I'm lucky enough to have gotten myself out of the situation before it completely consumed my world. I've heard, from death comes life. I didn't really die, I just let parts of me cease to be. Still with that I created alternative methods to dealing with situations and people. 

I have found that I'm more understanding with people and their own personal behaviors even if they are in contrast to my own. Most of these times, I must say, if I hate that behavior, I ignore it, or expel it/person from my life. It has left me high and dry at times, but for the most part, it has been worth the expulsion. 

With that said, there are some pinpoint things I despise such as doing drugs [grow up people, stop being immature, drugs do not do anything positive for one's life, you probably will not have a productive life, good luck getting a job outside of retail/fast food/factory], racists [times have changed, stop using derogatory terms  that you have no right to say, or have politically correct reason/knowledge to use such terms], those who strive to obtain attention in any situation [you will get old pretty damn fast, you disposable life form], a those who are blatantly self destructive [you might as well dig your own grave then rest nicely in it now, you will never have a pro-active life.] and finally, those who try to push their thoughts and beliefs onto others whatever that might be [you probably are not intuitive to the fact that you are being resisted for a reason, reevaluate your morals and your thoughts and stop basing your beliefs on the fact that you only believe that you are right, open your fucking mind.]

These are just a few things I notice that I steer clear of. I have found that listening to oneself is an empowering thing to do, because if you feel confident that you will make the right choice, you can self talk yourself through any problem and you will trust that you won't allow yourself to fail, or mislead yourself. All around, you know you, and trust you, and you are usually the best to go to for the right answer. 

I feel that I sound overly confident, but I'm pretty sure I deserve it right now. Any issue i've had going on within the past 6 months, i've talked myself through with the help of Chriss, being my ears. Then comes AHA! moment and life makes a little more sense. I'll still rest assure that more 'shit' will come up and I will be made a fool of my own life until I figure that one out too, but as long as I have some ears, I'm pretty sure it'll be alright. I'll sit on that comfy couch for a while.

But I should get to the meat of this blog, all of this is just a precursor to the actual point, but I feel I should explain me, and my thoughts before getting into detail of current situations.

So anywho, I watched this movie tonight called The Puffy Chair: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85cmTNBH42k

I actually caught the last 30 minutes or so of this movie, but that alone, got to me. I walked in on this part where the lead girl was crying and was talking to her current boyfriend, who was also the lead male character. She asked him "why are you in this relationship?" and he was reluctant to talk about the situation. She then proceeded to tell him that she is in that relationship because she loves him, and that if proposed to her, she would say yes, and she would grow old with him and have his children, because she wants that. Right after she says that, she tells him she deserves more than him, maybe she should have rephrased it, "more from him" but anywho that would not fit right for this idea. When he hears this, it struck a chord because he then replies that she responds negatively to him in most situations, and does not appreciate what he does do enough, and that if she does not take him for who he is and what he does that they should not be in that relationship. AGREED! 

I thoroughly believe that a person who is right for you, truly right for you will be the easiest thing to go through. [Yes I know you might have spats, but they are few and far between and are not severe, at all!!! ex: Chriss and myself, have fought, maybe two or three times within the past three years, go figure we're best friends.] Those pure relationships just happen. You and that person click, as if it was destiny you were to meet this person and make them happy, because they make you happy too. There is no judgement, because you love who they are and what they do. They were not put in your life to destroy it, they were there to help and grow with you. You are enlightened by their spirit and intrigued by their mind and soul. To be honest, I have only made note of this happening with two people. I have mentioned one, Chrissy and the other was Steve Walton. If he reads this, I hope he appreciates the credit. I have never felt more comfortable and at ease with my life in their hands than with these people. One has unfortunately failed, but sometimes life tears people apart for reasons unknown [I really know.] I never really thought religion could hurt be so lethal. To be honest, I had never explored religion before him because it was never important in my life and I never felt I needed to and because of this I probably won't ever again. He was one of the most amazing people to come into my life and taught me a lot which I'm completely grateful for, but made me realize how important my development within the last 4 years have really been in the person I am today and that I have empowered MYSELF for MYSELF and only for that. I decided not to be self-destructive anymore. I decided to work through MY issues and make MYSELF happy, because I realized that NO ONE deserves to be sad in life and you really have to make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy. You will also make others happy naturally if you make yourself happy first. Religion took this away. Well christianity anyway from what I had learned. I learned that you are not really doing anything for yourself to make yourself happy, you are doing it to make a biblical character happy, because somehow you owed it to him. 

Sorry, I do enough dirty work for the man, I'm here for myself now. 

I continue to get off topic....kind of. To return back to my previous thought; Easy Relationships, yes. I've realized that this ease in the relationship is key to success and situations like previously stated can get in the way, but all-in-all I think that friendships and relationships should be that easy. There should be no question as to "will this work?" because you just know it will.  Being friends should not be hard and that is that. It even becomes almost involuntary because you do things not because you have to, but because you want to and it just happens. It's altruism at it's finest.

I had been talking to Chriss tonight as I was self talking myself through a current situation I am in, and my 'aha' moment came when I realized that I have been expecting something, just anything from this person and that I do it with a lot of people, but I shouldn't. The only person at this point I do expect ya know the usual, love, respect, honesty, is in fact from Chrissy and I never question that because I don't have to. With Steve, I didn't either because it was just there. I've tried to expect these things from some people and disappointment came when, surprise, surprise, it was pretty vacant or just not continuous. The only funny thing out of this that I found was that, those who have expected these things FROM me, never gave it in return, but also have recently expressed their dislike with the only person who has been constant in my life, Chrissy. [Mary + Step-mom] Go figure.

But from this feeling of 'aha' has come the realization that I need to not worry about those people who I do not have this ease with, because it probably won't happen, or they won't put the effort into working toward a good friendship. [or so the situation seems] I can't stray my mind because of lust or wishful thinking. I will then become a hopeless romantic, which I am already, so there is no need to worsen the situation. I will take progression, but I can not hold off any potential situations because of this, I'm pretty sure i'll be wasting my time and putting WORK into a friendship. EFFFFF that. thanks.

Current Music-Mary Snoring.

Sometimes, just sometimes

Sometimes, just sometimes, I like to think of love in my life, or lack there of and reflect on how lucky i've really been for my single world for so long. Not to sound so lonesome, there have been those few who have come and gone, and all that has been left is the appreciation of the opportunity to get to know another human being. It seems as though whenever I do meet a new person, I reflect their traits with that of my own, or others and how I have looked upon those traits in other situations. I've created this bias toward anyone and everyone who might come my way, which will never allow full understanding of them. Sometimes I think this is a defense mechanism, other times I think I don't like wasting my time on people who have traits I loathe. Or vis versa and we can just get to the point where we will be friends for a while. I do like meeting new people, but in the right situation and when I'm in the right mindset, otherwise I feel bad for whoever has to meet me. But beyond the fact that meeting people is a task in itself, love is a true task, yet I say that with the most ease. I believe that love should be one of the most selfless acts someone could do in their lifetime, and it will never or should never for that matter even be looked upon as such an "act" because love is so light with the most weighted meaning and isn't even an act, it's a life function. Or so it can seem when you add another person into the equation. 

I believe heavily in love. I also believe heavily in the fact that most people are incapable of loving anyone because they will continually be looking for themselves in life. I'm not saying that a person should look only for love in life, but should look how to love them self, then loving others will be easy.  It will also allow others to love you easier. I do feel that a person should find what will make them happy in their life, I feel that a person should not stray from a great relationship, may it be a friend or lover, in the fear that it might inhibit any progression in a person's life. I feel that if you feel someone makes you happy, they should be the closest thing  to you. If you feel that a person is a person you can talk to, open up to, do so, who else will listen if you don't? Unless it is the thing that isn't completely great and unique, in which case, should not be considered in this particular situation. ANY WHO....

I'm not one to have had many "love" experiences, yet I've taken every variation of love i've encountered and explored it, as I feel people should. The most prominent has been the best friendship i've been blessed to have in my life. Everything I could ask for in a relationship has been laid out in my hands, minus the sexual relations. To be able to have someone who is willing to change and grow with you as a person is amazing. She came in at the right time and picked up where I was lacking in life. She drank wine and let me cry, or sing my sappy love songs no matter how ridiculous I sounded. She even gave me a place to live when I needed some time away. I've never felt as though anything I have done has been as selfless since the time we've became friends. We were not friends based upon anything more than the fact that we got along great, always laughed and had fun together. Like I said she came in at the best time, I was just getting better and we were both about to start the most growing we have ever done in or entire lives. I'm glad I had at least one constant throughout that time period, because nothing at all was constant and nothing felt controllable.

Things still are not controllable, but the fact that it's noticed allows control of myself to take place. How I will deal and react to current situations. I've learned this and so much more over the past, almost three years. I could write more, but more will probably be revealed in later blogs.

But the main point to this blog is the fact that life is uncontrollable, love is uncontrollable and that when it is in plain site, you will know. It will become a daily function to make sure that the one you do love, whether it is as a friend, a true friend or a lover, that true love is alright and that their day is just as complete as yours is.

It seems so extreme the way I speak of how I feel on this matter, but it is something I'm passionate about. When I care about people around me, they know. Our friendships become almost subtle, yet at that moment something is wrong, or even something amazing is happening, it's known, speaking or not. It just happens.

I think the best things in life are those that you do not even want to completely explain. It is the things you perceive to be great between you and that other person that makes it unique. 

I think perception is next........

Music: Band of Horses-Cease to begin

First of a Few

So, I really dislike blogging. I've always felt that people create blogs to vent to an intangible "thing" that really could give two shits about what they had to say, and anyone outside of that intangible "thing" who actually read them, really had no life, or didn't care enough about said "person" to talk to them in person/on the phone/aim about what is going on in their life. Seems like pretty insensitive way to be. Yet I find myself writing a blog, not really purposely, but I had to create the account to message someone whom I needed information from. Good story, I know. But now that I think about blogging, I start to think, "I have a lot of random thoughts, why not get them down?" Also, if someone does happen to stumble upon my blog, god knows that no one would purposely come to my Blogspot [what a silly word btw] and read all my thoughts, but none the less, maybe they might find a chord struck in them to debate, correspond, or share thoughts and ideas that did strike these chords within them. 
I love hearing other's stories. It might be because I can not tell stories worth a damn, but none the less, I love listening to other's experiences. It's enlightening to be able to live vicariously through others stories, or maybe hope for fun adventures in my own life. Either way, I'm a good listener, tell me stories 
Any who, to whomever might read this, you might want to get an insight to me, well I hope at least, unless you already know who I am as a person. I am very active. I'm usually not bored. I work, not even a lot, but in the meantime I go to college and keep busy by working out, being with good friends, or whatever might strike me as interesting. I enjoy the time I have to myself. I've come to have an appreciation for all the time I do get to breathe and take in life, without choking on all the uncontrollable stresses that just are. Give me sun and the warmth of it and I am a very happy person. Even if it is cold and snowy outside, if there is a sun shining, it'll be a good day. After a few years of those "depressing" times, I have made it an effort to only make my life great and not let self destructive people or activities get in my way. There is a lot of love in me now that I have really made an effort in my life into doing things that make me happy. Ayn Rand has an idea that you need to make yourself completely happy, because as a result, you will make others happy. I've noticed that it really works, positive things are really contagious, as are depressing situations, so make the most of life, it feels better to be happy. Conceive the Power of Positive Mental Thinking. Too many people only focus on the negative things in life, usually those things are uncontrollable. Lets move on I might not have everything I want, but the thing that makes it worth the wait is that I'm deciding what will happen next. I'm ready for changes and ready for adventures.
I'll leave this blog at that!

Music: Big D and the Kids Table-Strictly Rude