Now

Now why is it so hard to breathe?

Why can I not find a sun that wants to stay bright?

I see this world every day, and every day I think that we're getting a little bit closer to decay when we need a recession of this recession.

There is this anxious feeling inside of me that knows I'm/we're onto something when I see people putting work behind efforts to improve the destruction.

It puts hope in my mind that there are still some out there that want a new world, or the old one back at least.

I still wonder though, if something is to improve, there needs to be motivation and passion involved.

When I hear "okay?" or "where are you going with this?", I begin to wonder how long it will take for a revision. 

I always feel that this disposable lifestyle American society has succumbed to is hideous and a new reality TV show should be written and entitled, "American Society at It's Best". 

It should show the extremities of how people live, and strongly show the repercussions. 

Is there really someone out there who wants to wonder with me?

Brainstorm ideas on how to do little things to change American lifestyles, maybe?

It seems that our culture is very sensitive to hearing how much we have FUCKED up and to infuse a strong change would be completely denied by the general public. I definitely feel that slow and subtle changes can improve the environment, health, and general well-being of the population. 

I wonder if it is realized that if we don't put effort into the long run of our nation that it will continually go down the shitter. Society will in itself become disposable and no one will take anything seriously, not that it is seemingly so these days.

______________

I've been feeling as though that wondering has caused me to think way too much.

I've been feeling as though that my thinking has made people wonder about me.

I can not find a conscious thought that wants to stay put and stick out this fight, but I keep thinking and some thoughts come back. 

Others, just run away like most people who wonder about me.

It's hard to keep one idea going.

I try to stay focused, but as I wonder, my mind wanders and I am left with no-thang.

I've been loaded with an overdose of passion and as I'm distracted, so is my passion.

Multi-tasking is so not my thing.

I haven't felt so disconnected

I haven't felt so disconnected with myself, the world, and people in general as I have this past week or so. I have felt so anxious lately. Mostly about college or what I will do next. I just want so badly to get on with things. I still feel this sense of waste going on in my life right now. I feel as though not only what I'm doing is a waste, but that I'm kind of being a waste. It's a sad state of affairs. I'm hoping that as the spring season comes, maybe I can find some motivation or inspiration to be more outgoing with my life or happy with it at least. 

This disconnected feeling though that I'm feeling, it's upsetting. I want to keep these connections I have with people and find new ones, but I feel that they are slipping away from me. Maybe it's that I'm slipping away from myself and not putting enough work into myself. I'll have to do some more focusing. I can't really pressure time to move forward, so I guess I'll stick to that whole 'dealing with it' for now. I have decided though, that I will try to move to Pittsburgh, PA if I do not get into college at the University of Binghamton. I really don't feel like I can waste my time here and be miserable living with my step-mom. I can't continue to put myself through it all. 

I think all the wishing/hoping I'm doing toward trying to make a change is just a useless way to keeping me disconnected, because I'm not embracing much anymore. I keep saying that I don't want any attachments here, so maybe I'm just doing it to myself.....

I'm just sitting and waiting for now.....

Album: Elliott Smith-From a basement on the Hill