ATTN:

I'm sitting in a room on a dirty mattress, with an off white sheet and one unshielded pillow.  There is one window that is shining in the cloudy midday.  I can not see outside, but the trees show it's a cold, windy day.  This is the feeling that I really can not put into words, just a scene.  I've been feeling this way for a while now, maybe a month or more.  I feel as though my anticipation for the future has put me in this static point in my life, yet I remember how I don't think there was a time when I didn't feel static in my life.  I have always wanted to do something else or be somewhere else.  I have always wanted to do more with my life and that I just thought I had to wait to get there.  I am constantly in a war with myself over how to live my life.  I have this side of me that wants to stay busy and social and just keep myself happy for the time being, yet I don't believe that will get me anywhere.  I know I need to stay focused and aware that if I don't save money and plan things in advance that I won't have an easy time later in life.  I'm disposable by habit, but goal oriented by nature.  It's like this environment I'm literally stuck in is causing my habits to constantly slip when I've built all these dreams that are so seemingly out of reach unless I honestly get the Fuck Out.  I want to be surrounded by passion! I want to see people constantly trying, and maybe even constantly failing, but trying again.  I want to hear people talk about how next month they plan to do this/that because it'll be adventurous!  I want to know that the next person I speak to won't be concerned about their next drunken endeavor, but rather what extravagant concoction they are purchasing from a craft brewery in hopes to learn their secrets. Or rather, not concerned about their next drunken endeavor, Or who they might go out with next.  I'm tired of listening to the 'woe is me' from those who have so much in front of them but do not grab ahold of it tightly and take it for a ride.  I see so many people who take advantage of their youth and positive position they are really working with.  Call me jealous, I know, but at least I know when to see an opportunity when it is in front of me.  It makes me sick that I see what I shouldn't really do when it comes any kind of relationship, yet some people can fuck up and down and still have another shot and that opportunity still there.  I feel that I can't mess up or if I do that I might, well, not have an opportunity to mess up again.  I think it's more the fact that it will take a lot longer to get back what I could lose.  I do have the psychological resilience to forge ahead and work through pain, but for once, I just want to be oh so 'woe is me' and have it matter to someone.  All I have to say is that I hope to 'god' that what I do will be worth it in the end.  I hope to 'god' that I haven't given up any chances that have been there. And I hope to 'god' that something won't stop me from dreaming and then achieving.  I hate wasted dreams and talents.  I hope I do one day find who will constantly push me to try something new all the time.  I want that passion never to die.  I don't want to become just another person in this country who humors the expendable lifestyle that so many people just fall miserably to.  And maybe I will have to go to another country for a while, all the more adventures that could be had!